On making love to a drag queen-and other realizations
I’m attracted to her.
We knew this would be a possibility. I knew that I may find myself attracted to my husband’s drag persona. I get nervous and fumbly around her. I am with Adam through the whole process, I do all his makeup, but that moment he goes from Adam getting ready to Tes, I get butterflies.
Maybe it is the newness. Maybe it’s all the things I love about Adam, now in female form. Maybe its a safe way to practice dating girls.
I am not a typically shy person- I am usually exceptionally forward-I once sold my pants to someone in line at a concert because they liked my pants- and, as you know, I am an over sharer. But, when I get around girls I like, or think are pretty- I am useless. I start to babble, and my once articulate self hides behind small quirky smirks.
Maybe that is why I like Tes. I get nervous around her, but there is an added safety. Maybe I think it is hot to see my husband as a woman, or maybe, I just think Tes is hot.
I actually missed her. I have only met Tes twice, the first time a few weeks back, and then again a couple of nights ago. The first night we met, we started kissing, but Tes pulled back, unsure how to navigate this level of our relationship. After Adam returned, we talked a long time about if there was a place in our marriage for a sexual relationship between Tes and I. We decided that there was.
I was hesitant this time around to kiss her. I felt a little nervous since last time was a little uneasy. But, she pushed me onto the couch and started kissing me. As a general rule, Adam isn’t that forward, so I was surprised to see that Tes was.
We slept together. The whole time Tes talked to me sweetly, it was the perfect combination of beautiful love making, and hot sex. Why am I telling you this you might ask? ( my mother-in-law subscribes to my blog-sorry Linda) Because sex is an integral part of a relationship-including the relationship I have with my husband’s drag persona, Tes. I share this with you also, because what followed surprised me.
Almost immediately after we were done being together, Tes rolled over to hold me, and I just started sobbing. I melted into the safety of her arms with uncontrollable sobs.
I was crying for so many reasons. I was crying that I finally felt a freedom to like girls. I had been thinking about liking girls for years, but was too scared to ever say anything. I was crying because this was the first time I had sex with a woman. Before we moved here, I had a few sexual encounters with women, but I have never slept with a woman. There was something beautiful, poetic, and also strange that my first time with a woman, wasn’t with a biological woman, but rather my husband.
I am careful not to say “ wasn’t with a real woman” because women come in many forms, and certainly not all those forms require a specific biology. Tes is every bit a woman as the next. That is not something I ever thought I would say, or even something I can fully articulate.
I was sobbing too because Tes made it ok to be attracted to her- It was the first time I ever felt like I had full permission ( internally and externally) to pursue my interest in women.
I also cried because I was overwhelmed. I just came out to my family within the last few months, many of my extended family learned that I was bisexual through social media. I had just come to that realization in myself, while it was something I had known about myself for a long time, it was not something I could previously articulate.
Because of my recent termination at my job for coming out as bisexual, I went from being in the closet to being extremely public in just a few short months. I had mixed emotions about how quickly this all seems to have happened. Tes, and later Adam, just let me cry. The release was incredible- from the crying and the sexual encounter. There wasn’t this thing hanging over my head anymore. But, there was also a sadness- a sadness that I hadn’t allowed myself to, or felt safe to, explore this part of my sexual identity. There was a mourning for previous years- for years that I hadn’t been my full self.
Tes and I have a date later this week to go out. We are going to go in town together, hold hands together and even kiss. I am excited, but a little nervous too. Adam and I discussed what this date means, and what our sexual relationship means- does that mean that he has transitioned from drag to cross dresser? Is cross-dresser even a PC term? I am honestly not sure- this world is new to us.
Adam still states that his gender identity is male, so I am not sure what that means in terms of Tes. I found myself wanting a label for what we have- a label for Tes, and I. I realized that as people, we are obsessed with fitting each other into categories- we want an explanation- a point of reference. I caught myself doing just this.
I realized, I don’t need a label for our relationship. Tes is just Tes. And Tes and I are Tes and I. That is enough- if we choose to label it some day-then that is fine- but if it simply remains unnamed- that is ok to. It doesn’t make our relationship any less real, valid or beautiful.
I thank both Tes and Adam for being there for me the other night. It is lovely to have a shoulder to cry on; even better to have two.